Yesterday as we were arriving for the Ih Ho Chuan meeting, I was hit with a huge feeling of Imposter Syndrome. Why was I here? What was the point? I’m not keeping up with the requirements and I honestly don’t know what I am actually doing with my forms or practice. I feel as though I am failing and that I do not belong in this class. Then when we were asked to switch weapons with a partner I was filled with terror that I would have to try to teach someone else something I didn’t even know how to do myself.
Todai Bauer was a great partner though, and he asked me the right questions. I was able to show him a few basic moves that I had learned early on. I realized that even though I don’t know my form the way I would like to, I still know something. I have a base that I can build on.
At the beginning of this year, I was dedicated to meeting my requirements. However, it was often taking me 3 hours a day to meet those requirements. That’s not sustainable. I fell off hard and then would try to catch up with a couple of even bigger days. Yet the training deficit has grown ever larger and I have honestly considered throwing my hands up and saying that I honestly cannot do this. But a while ago I had been speaking with Sifu Brinker and he suggested that I make a point of doing my requirements first thing in the morning before even heading to the bathroom. I can’t do everything in that time, but I have been doing 33 pushups, 33 situps and at least one rep of my Lao Gar 1+2 first thing in the morning. It has been helpful. I feel better prepared for the day and I am not giving up. I know I need to and that I can do more, but I need to find a point where I can build this into a habit and a sustainable practice.
Last night was especially terrifying as I haven’t been putting in the work that I need to with my weapon practice. I haven’t even been making the basic effort that I try to do with my Lao Gar. Even though Todai Bauer was new to the tonfa, he still played with them, he tried new movements and he showed me that I don’t have to know exactly my planned sequence to be able to a have meaningful practice. Even if it is clumsy or forgettable, I need to integrate at least a little bit of “play” with my tonfa first thing in the morning as well.
In the longer term, I would like to make a point of repeating my “morning practice” a few other times throughout the day. That morning practice takes me about 8 minutes to do, maybe 10 now that I am adding the tonfa. That is a time commitment that is doable. It’s a time commitment that I can fit in, if I am deliberate in doing so, and I think it is a better way to work towards mastery.
After class last night, Sihing Bjorkquist mentioned that with 10 minutes a day, we can become black belts. I might not make the numbers, and I might not know what I am doing, but I can make a point of setting aside 10 minutes a day to make myself better.
The tonfas were fun to play with! Not sure if you’re familiar with the Soul Calibur games, but they made me think of that. I think play is super important in our forms. Helps us relax and find that flow.
Pssst….I have a secret….I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time either. But that’s kinda what makes it fun. 😉
Anytime you feel like you are failing, remember the number one rule of the I Ho Chaun: NO QUITTING
As long as you are still here, as long as you are still trying, you are succeeding, the most valuable and insightful moments come from these times of struggle
You are in he begging of your journey and you are comparing yourself with students who have been in Kung Fu many more years than you have. You should just focus on YOUR progress and make sure your training is sustainable for the next 50 years.
Mastery can be overwhelming. Especially when you see it as a binary proposition – pass or fail. I suggest that you add mediocrity into the equation here. If mastery is getting overwhelming, shift your perspective to mediocrity. Mediocrity is not nearly as overwhelming to focus on. Work on eradicating mediocrity and you will still be getting the same things done (face it, there are only so many hours in a day) but your attitude about getting those things done will shift. Instead of feeling like a failure because of your narrowed focus on pass and failure, you will notice the benefits and progress initiated by shifting your focus on mediocrity. This is how momentum can be generated.
This is the start of a new journey for you. It will take time but as long as you continue to apply yourself and you don’t quit, it will become more manageable.